Love and purpose…

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I was talking with a friend at Thanksgiving. She’s a bit older and told me that considering her age, she is getting to feel that it is best to be accepting of situations and be as happy as possible, in a kind of reverent stoic monastic way. It was kind of odd to hear this coming from someone who appears to be very social and happy, but we don’t always know what others think of their situations, until they tell us.  She said God gave her this lonely fate and must want her to be this way so that she moves closer to Him, when He is her company and comfort.

My view? I am all for faith, and being close to God. Without prayer and hope and answers in my dismal times, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today, or If I’d be today.

However, I also believe that we were given talents, made in “His image and likeness” yet each of us unique and valuable, “a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  I am meant to use my gifts and talents, and you, too, in your own special way.

I was made loving. I was made nurturing. Those are qualities that are meant to be shared. So, I won’t relinquish any hopes of Love or a truly loving relationship with a man I’ve yet to meet, out there in the universe somewhere.  And of course, kindness too is meant to be shared with others:  friends, co-workers, neighbors, even strangers along my path (you know what I mean, if you’ve been reading here for any length of time : )

Whatever your talents and gifts, be grateful for them, put them to good and honorable use. That’s how the world becomes a better place. That’s how lives become better.

See that sun up in the sky? Imagine it smiles down upon you as it warms you. See the trees and flowers you pass every day? The clouds tumbling by? They are for you. Enjoy, each day, as you make your way through this world. Yes, this world can be harsh, but that’s why we are not meant to be alone, and why we are meant to be kind to one another…

or so is my own personal philosophy. Feel free to borrow or acquire it, anytime, especially if you need to cheer curmudgeons in your midst. Do you happen to run into such resigned souls in your holiday travels, or is it just me? I think that they secretly want me to cheer them. There is no mistletoe up as yet, no eggnog nor caroling, so I do my best!

Wishing you peace, happiness, and of course Love.

~ Lily

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With gratitude…

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With Gratitude

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The sky

with wisps ethereal

or towering

light

colour

ever changing

awe,

The trees twinkling with leaves

textured with bark

stoic

strong

and beautiful–

see what can be?

The grass is never greener

than in our summers

The water

calms

do you

imagine

anywhere

to be as wonderful and

as full of wonder as

here

can be?

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When your child

was born

as close to heaven

his face

when he loves

your lips

when kissed

the drawing

is for you

when you dance

you laugh

your eyes your being

you feel

asked

and given

full

of humanity

and one

with–

in the dark you know

all you need

is there

you know.

You know.

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May you be filled with Wonder for the beauty and bounty of this earth, and with Love for those who mean the world to you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~ Lily

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Indelible marks on a soul…

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Indelible Marks on a Soul

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I remember his glossy dark hair

dark eyes

calm, so calm

a channel to channel.

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I remember his deep voice

as a song

resonating strength

in which to swim.

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I remember his fine mind

sharp, piercing

words cutting through

to my importance.

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I remember

as he thrilled, waved

hurried to acquaint as if

discovering something special.

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I remember

being loved

I remember.

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Upon finding photographs of Christmas past (*updated)…

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Photos of candlelit Christmas rooms

exquisitely trimmed tree,

garlanded mantle and window tops,

wreaths, nativity,

stockings hung with care,

broad smiles, you can see

playful merry children

celebrating happily.

And now

the room is gone and so the scene

set so perfect

so it seems

tied together with gossamer,

pine for happy them and me,

if only

that could be this year’s gift

under the Christmas tree.

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I have never in my life had the Holiday Blues, and yikes, we’re not even to Thanksgiving!

Hmm. The hustle and bustle and relative tussle can be disquieting, I know. Are you happy no matter what, or how do you cope, if not?  

I’m thinking:  I should have coping mechanisms on hand this year!

I give thanks for all of You who stop in now and then! Enjoy your family time, your good food, and be thankful. Gratitude is such a wonderful quality, and hey we at least have each other out here in cyberspace. : )

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Thanksgiving hugs,

and May Visions of Sugarplums Dance in your Head!

~ Lily

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* Addendum: I should probably say that what made me melancholy and prompted the writing of this poem is that I am looking at happy family photos, but I’m divorced so my family is therefore asunder, which makes me feel sad for my children at holiday time.  I am looking forward to celebrations nonetheless and had/have lots of invites for holiday dinners and travels, not to worry.  Thank you all for your concern. : )

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Phone a friend.

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Phone a Friend… 

(or: No Organic Red Potatoes Tonight)

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Find a friend

when dismal

is beginning to feel normal

walk

with friend

talk

because you need to do so

and likely so does she or he

and then

because you miss your social whirl and

sparkling dinners,

have dinner with your friend

and laugh,

laugh in the face of misery

say good-bye to lonely

smile to exercise all facial muscles

so there will be no atrophy

while your world realigns

as of course it will.

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Small gifts.

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Is this what it’s come to?

Happiness is

finding a perfect avocado

in the market,

contentment is

fridge and cupboards once again full,

or laundry done

and neatly folded?

Fun is the exhilaration

of a brisk walk

in sunshine,

crimson leaves dancing or

gold contrasted on dark bark?

Expectations down,

or life simplified,

appreciation found?

If I don’t want for much

disappointment abates,

if I don’t long for much

my heart patiently waits,

but as I walk fast

I beat pain I beat

a mortal enemy

and victorious in

the mirror I see

a small smile,

a gift to the world

in my simplicity.

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Stand up– fragile, loving, lonesome humans!

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We are such fragile beings, sometimes.

Witness: I broke up with a man who was Clearly not good for me. In fact, I broke up with him many times. But, every time that he wanted to get back together, every time he apologized and promised to do better or make amends, or to care, I relented. I went against my better judgement and gave us another chance.  Or rather, another hundred chances. I so wanted it to work, and we had fun–when we were having fun. Unfortunately, he had addictions (at least three) of which I was initially unaware, and of which he is still apparently unaware.

Worse, his desires always superseded our relationship and certainly me. There was no We, only he. His needs, his wants.

At first I was so happy to be “loved” that I ignored the red flags, but I also had to deal with his conflicting signals. Since those were confusing, I have to be somewhat gentle with myself: what he said and what he did were so different. That is, his words of endearment were wonderful but his actions often contradicted them. He said he loved, but he didn’t show it nearly as well.

As an example–one I’ve mentioned here before– one week he asked me to do several things with him (dinner parties, family functions, watching a football game) and I agreed, yet when I asked him to do just one thing that we had talked of doing for two summers but had not gotten around to doing (I wonder why??) he replied with scorn and derision: how dare I ask something of him that would cause him to miss a couple of hours of one football game?

Wait–last season he had not watched every game, and when we first met he said he was a fan but not a sports fanatic, that he “wasn’t someone who had to watch every game.” Hmmm. Guess that changed.

My take on this, in retrospect, is that he wanted the power in the relationship; he wanted what he wanted. Of course, he forfeited me, which makes me feel horrible. I am worth less than one football game?  Sheesh that stings. I had already gotten up to speed on his sports and his teams so that I could discuss them, though it is not my thing, at all. I had loved him, and I had shown that love.

Aren’t people more important than watching sports on television? He couldn’t miss even part of one game for someone he supposedly cared about? He could have listened to the game as we drove, or caught the second half of a late-afternoon game, but he wasn’t even willing to work it out.

And what about “Bye” weeks or weeks when the game is on a day other than Sunday? Even I know there are a couple of those and I am not all that up on football. In other words, had he cared to check or think about it for even a moment, he would’ve realized there’d be at least a couple of Sundays during the season when he wouldn’t even miss a game. Yes, if he cared. (You can see that I am still hurting and tending to the wounds here, can’t you?)

A friend of mine surmised that I might not be Asking for what I needed in the relationship, so maybe that is why I wasn’t getting it, or why things seemed so unbalanced. For instance, I was hurt that he didn’t offer to pick me up at the airport because it had seemed to me like the loving–or at least reciprocal–thing to do, since I always offered and gave him rides to and from the airport.  Yet, I hadn’t specifically asked him for a ride. Maybe that’s why he so often seemed selfish, thought my friend. He couldn’t actually be that selfish, how could anyone be that selfish? “Guys need you to be direct,” she said. “Don’t make him guess.” So I was more direct. That elicited a complete change of tone from him: his voice became gruff and mean. Was not getting what he wanted threatening, so he was being threatening to me in return? I dunno.

In any case, this little football-first episode was the icing on a crumbling cake. That was that.

The really odd thing now is: I still cry over him. I cry when I miss his company, even though I have others to date. (But see, I don’t want to just date, I want love! I’m not someone who continues dating if I don’t see at least a little smidge of potential for love.) I cry when I wish there was something I could have done to salvage that relationship, and because he didn’t realize that I kept trying, kept going back, because I did love him. I did give us repeated chances even when he hurt me. I cry when I think of him talking of what a wonderful year of self-improvement he had while giving all the credit to others and ignoring the power of love: ours, mine.  I cry because I was so darn hopeful and so loving, all for naught, and because we all want to be loved. Even when it is far from perfect (we are human, after all), a flawed even hurtful relationship can feel better than nothing, at least in retrospect.

Today when I went for a walk, I saw happy couples everywhere. It figures: the whole world seems to be in love and part of a couple, but not me! You know that feeling, if you are single. It is not pleasant. You think: what is wrong with me? Where is my ship and when will it come in, and more importantly, why isn’t my prince on any of the ships I do happen to see? I asked this of myself when I saw an elderly couple walking hand in hand (wouldn’t it be nice to be in love Forever?) and a middle-aged couple on a tandem bike (what a fun way to ride into the sunset). I saw two young women who looked like sisters with two cute guys and the four of them laughing and chatting merrily as they walked down the street. One more guy and I could’ve joined them, I imagined…

But I was happy for all of those people, too. I was happy to know that love is clearly out there.

When I get all wimpy and sad and sappy, I have to pick myself up and wring myself out. Good-bye tears, good-bye sadness. I tell myself: if you had kept hanging on, in that long up-and-down one-sided romance, if you kept on with someone who wanted to be a hedonistic ruler rather than part of a loving and giving couple, then you’d never give yourself a chance of finding true love.

Is a loving and giving relationship truly possible? My eyes say yes. My heart says yes, even though it is bruised. My mind debates with myself constantly but generally thinks all things are possible. My whole being wishes, hopes, and prays.

So we shall see!

Meanwhile, it’s up to me to keep my chin up and a smile in my heart. Someone’s going to like that smile, someday.

~ Lily

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