Live and Learn: a warning to those who are newly divorced…

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I’ve done a lot of living (traveling, writing, thinking) in the several short weeks since I’ve been gone. Here is one of the important things I have learned:

Recovering from the battles, indignities, work and woes of divorce is Hard. It was ever-so-much easier (and of course much more joyful) to get married. Divorce is horrid, and in so many ways.  Amidst the raging ex-spouse, all of the haggling, paperwork, packing, moving, tears, and re-settling — it is not easy to reclaim one’s self. For me that was the most difficult part.

I thought that being in love again would counter the pain and be a bright spot in the (hopefully temporary) dark and dismal newly-divorced days. So, I eagerly jumped into someone else’s arms. I wanted companionship and fun after many lonely years. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted what we all do: a caring, loving relationship. So, I gave him my love and care.

I so wanted what I wanted that I ignored the bad stuff.

I ignored his laughter when he inadvertently hurt me.

I ignored the red flags: his past, his volatility, his lies.

I ignored that in matters of importance to me–such as health, lifestyle, spirituality–we were not at all on the same page.

I ignored my reason, my gut feelings, my intuition, and even my friends and family. How stupid was that???

People whom I’ve known for years–as well as some of you wise onlookers, reading my plaintive poetry!–told me he seemed too selfish, perhaps even manipulative or narcissistic, but I focused on his good qualities and tried again and again to make things work.

Why? Because I did not want Another Failed Relationship.

Yeah well. There are worse things.

One of the worse things is being with someone who is Wrong for you on so many levels.

And–it was My mistake not to confidently walk away and into my future.

It’s a big world out there.

Here’s the lesson, dear bruised divorced one:  guard your tender heart. Hopeful hearts will often bear more than perhaps they should. You are worth the time it takes to find someone who is right for you. And, just as when you were getting divorced: you know that it is better to be alone than to be lonely in a relationship that isn’t right.

I am keeping busy, bruised but wiser.

Funny how a heart may feel so broken, yet the hope is still there. It is a beautiful human quality, maybe with a touch of the divine.

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~ Lily

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28 Comments on “Live and Learn: a warning to those who are newly divorced…”

  1. Written from the heart Lily! All happiness, Tom

  2. I’m so sorry to hear of all the pain you’ve suffered and that your heart has been wounded. You are absolutely right divorce is a terrible thing. The only advice I can give is don’t shut down, just move slow. All the best Lily…

    • lily says:

      Thank you, Maggie. Luckily most of the pains are temporary and that we have the present to live in and the future to look forward.

      Your Ireland trip looks like it was lots of fun! How is the Irish tea that you brought back? I buy Irish tea here in the U.S.– wonder if it is the good stuff? When I was in Ireland I drank mostly Guinness. : )

      Hope all is well with you and your family,

      ~ Lily

  3. Sweet Lily, I am so sorry that things didn’t work out for you. But you are so much wiser now and your heart will lead you to the one who is perfect for you. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s best. Blessings.
    Joy

  4. Beautifully stated Lily. I will never give up hope.

  5. DM says:

    it was good to read your post! You are a beautiful tender wise soul..I know these words will comfort and encourage someone else going through these hard things.

    • lily says:

      Thank you, DM, for your kind thoughts.

      Thank you also for taking time from your busy days of apple harvesting, baking/farm-marketing, and woodworking. Your posts are fascinating!

      Best wishes for you and your family,

      ~ Lily

  6. Oh, dear Lily…I am saddened by your bad experience, yet heartened by the positive attitude. Love…REAL love…is truly worth the wait. If I could bag up some patience and send it to you, I would…in its stead, I can only project good thoughts to you!

    • lily says:

      Thank you! I hope you are well! I will pretend to have that bag of patience. I will keep it handy to serve as a reminder, in my impatient mind : )

      ~ Lily

  7. Daithi says:

    I can so relate to you. God bless you.

    • lily says:

      You can relate to me? Oh thank goodness someone can; I feel like such a quirky weird spirit sometimes : )
      Thank you for the blessings, and to you also. I hope your school year is off to a good start.

      ~ Lily

  8. jeglatter says:

    Lily, thank you sharing from your heart–this post went right into mine. Love, Jennifer

    • lily says:

      Jennifer, so good to see you! Welcome back. I hope you and your family have had a happy summer.

      Good luck with the book; great idea!

      I look forward to your tender-hearted book, and more of your poetry,

      ~ Lily

  9. Dearest Lily, while it is truly wonderful to receive a post from you, I am so sorry to hear of the many things that have been going on in your life…but the good news is you are still alive…and unless I miss my mark, there is still plenty of spunk left in you.

    Your are the best…and as always Susie the World’s Greatest Wife, Jake the Wonder Dog, Callie the Sleek Dog, OC the World”s Tiniest Cat, Zip the Pet Me Now or Die Cat, & Annie now called Andy Because My Stupid Parents Can’t Recognize Sex Parts on a Kitty all send their love.

    Be encouraged!

    • lily says:

      Thank you so much Stephen! Yeah, I think my spunk still remains, thank heavens. : )

      Greetings to… the menagerie (ha, great names!)… and Susie!

      Hope all is well in your world,

      ~ Lily

      • Annie now called Andy Cause His Stupid Parents Can’t Recognize Kitty Sex Parts isn’t very thrilled with his name, but it is a constant reminder to Susie and I not to judge too quickly…hahaha.

        Susie says Hi back and wishes you the very best…she also wants me to let you know she is praying you…and Lily the woman can seriously pray!

        Good to here from you and have a wonderful week.

        Be encouraged!

        • lily says:

          Thank Susie very much for the prayers, Stephen! I so appreciate them, and Lord knows I need them at times : )
          Happy week to you and Susie, too!
          ~ Lily

  10. beachmama777 says:

    it is better to be alone than to be lonely in a relationship that isn’t right.

    Dear Lily–Here I sit on a lonely Saturday night after trying what you just tried: to jump into yet another relationship to avoid being alone. I need to remind myself of your terrific advice (though I know this already to the bottom of my heart). We DO need to protect our vulnerable hearts because we do deserve someone who will honor and love us. Thank you again!

    • lily says:

      Beachmama, you are so welcome, and thank you immensely for caring enough to send your empathy. We should regularly remind one another of such things, as protection for our tender hearts.

      Wishing you a speedy recovery from all of your wondering, yearning, anxious nights–and true Love.

      ~ Lily

  11. pencil pilot says:

    Lily, I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I loved your phrase, “… it is not easy to reclaim one’s self.” It’s so true. I hope that the love and care you tried to give this person will be gathered and lavished on someone who truly deserves it…yourself. Thank you for sharing…may the heart bruises soon heal and may tomorrow be brighter for you.

  12. lily says:

    Thank you so much, dear pencil pilot. I am already healing, thank goodness–it is what has allowed me to see more clearly, I think. Small steps are still progress : ) I very much appreciate your kind words.

    Have a sweet week,
    ~ Lily


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