Live and Learn: a warning to those who are newly divorced…Posted: September 8, 2012
I’ve done a lot of living (traveling, writing, thinking) in the several short weeks since I’ve been gone. Here is one of the important things I have learned:
Recovering from the battles, indignities, work and woes of divorce is Hard. It was ever-so-much easier (and of course much more joyful) to get married. Divorce is horrid, and in so many ways. Amidst the raging ex-spouse, all of the haggling, paperwork, packing, moving, tears, and re-settling — it is not easy to reclaim one’s self. For me that was the most difficult part.
I thought that being in love again would counter the pain and be a bright spot in the (hopefully temporary) dark and dismal newly-divorced days. So, I eagerly jumped into someone else’s arms. I wanted companionship and fun after many lonely years. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted what we all do: a caring, loving relationship. So, I gave him my love and care.
I so wanted what I wanted that I ignored the bad stuff.
I ignored his laughter when he inadvertently hurt me.
I ignored the red flags: his past, his volatility, his lies.
I ignored that in matters of importance to me–such as health, lifestyle, spirituality–we were not at all on the same page.
I ignored my reason, my gut feelings, my intuition, and even my friends and family. How stupid was that???
People whom I’ve known for years–as well as some of you wise onlookers, reading my plaintive poetry!–told me he seemed too selfish, perhaps even manipulative or narcissistic, but I focused on his good qualities and tried again and again to make things work.
Why? Because I did not want Another Failed Relationship.
Yeah well. There are worse things.
One of the worse things is being with someone who is Wrong for you on so many levels.
And–it was My mistake not to confidently walk away and into my future.
It’s a big world out there.
Here’s the lesson, dear bruised divorced one: guard your tender heart. Hopeful hearts will often bear more than perhaps they should. You are worth the time it takes to find someone who is right for you. And, just as when you were getting divorced: you know that it is better to be alone than to be lonely in a relationship that isn’t right.
I am keeping busy, bruised but wiser.
Funny how a heart may feel so broken, yet the hope is still there. It is a beautiful human quality, maybe with a touch of the divine.