I have the results and I wish to return them.

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Once upon a time

I longed to be free

and here I am

free

but alone,

guilt following me like a cloud

whispering

you are allowed

no peace,

it is your fault

you are alone.

.

.

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19 Comments on “I have the results and I wish to return them.”

  1. I’m crying Lily. Do you think you manifested your “aloneness?”
    No, no. This is simply time for you to focus on you. Find yourself. Connect with your divine purpose.

  2. lily says:

    Don’t cry. This is a place to vent. I do a lot of that. That way my neighbors and the people with whom I work don’t see my insecurities. I am mostly happy. Well, I am happy in general though sad in mourning of late.
    I know that I am not meant to be alone, and I have never in my life focused on myself so I am probably not good at finding myself let alone whatever else I am meant to find, other than heart-shaped stones, that is : ) I think I need to learn patience while a divine purpose is, hopefully, forthcoming. I do get answers to prayers, so I am sure that I will eventually. I must be meant to be breathing, meanwhile.
    Thank you. I will try to be stronger so that henceforth my wimphood is not spilled all over these pages : )
    ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ Lily

    • lily says:

      P.S.~
      Finding myself seems along the lines of finding a needle in a haystack. I don’t even know where to begin, I just try to keep on, one foot in front of the other. I pray, I read. I write. What other techniques, do you think? ❤
      Thank you ever so much for your care and kindness!
      ~ Lily

      • lily says:

        <3,
        A day later and I still feel horrid for making you cry and then getting flustered about it; I can't bear causing pain or distress, there is enough of that in the world without me contributing. Please accept my sincere apologies, and also my sincere thanks for noting me in the awards of your site. I am not good at awards either, these days. (What is wrong with me???)
        Also, your eyes, your eyes that see things that others miss: yes. You were right about some… things, people, situations. Exactly right. I never want to see bad in others, but you saw clearly what I could not bring myself to see. Thank you for your honesty. You have a strength and a sort of feistiness in you, I think, that I should hope to emulate.
        Please keep in touch and keep sharing your heart(s).
        With gratitude,
        ~ Lily

  3. jazfagan says:

    Lily, you just say whatever it is you need to say. This is the place to put it all out there. You have seen more than one of my more than angry blogs and you know that when I get in one of my “moods” I just let her rip, and you, my friend should do exactly that and not worry yourself about what others “think”. This is YOUR blog my love and after all it’s all about you at the end of the day. This is the truly one great place that we are free to be egocentric, petulant and pissed off in general…So let her rip baby….I have BIG shoulders…..Peace, as always my love, Jaz

  4. lily says:

    For better or worse, I am not a very petulant nor pissed person. Plus, I am so private that I delete most of the juicy stuff before it even hits the page : ) Maybe you are right though, Jaz — if I really spilled my guts I might feel better. Plus, things would be ever-so-much more interesting around here. Ohhhh the stories I could tell!
    I will sleep on that thought. Thank you for the shoulder. You are wonderful!
    ~ Lily

  5. David says:

    This feels like me…reminds me so much of how i feel…I know it helps when i get it out, and I hope it helps you too

  6. lily says:

    Thank you for the empathy, David, though I do feel sorry for anyone who feels the same things that I do (kidding!). Seriously, it is good to know that I am not alone. Thank you for letting me know. AND– for your beautiful poetry and photographs. For some reason when you don’t concentrate on rhyme, the words seem to just pour from your mind and heart or spirit–but of course I am beyond biased as that is how I write. Attempt to write. Happy and respectful Memorial Day, ~ Lily

  7. How sad!
    Lily,
    I’ve been there and reading this poem I can feel that loneliness again…
    Do not despair, for you never know whats waiting for you tomorrow.

    • lily says:

      Thank you so much, Maggie. It helps to know you have been here. I don’t despair, not quite, but sometimes I reflect and lament. : )
      I so often hear my mother saying: “Patience is a virtue.”
      How is your beautiful new granddaughter doing? And her family?
      ~ Lily

  8. lily says:

    Aw, Annabel! Pretty! Enjoy your bits of heaven on earth : )
    ~ Lily

  9. Mona says:

    Lily, this is a good poem because your alone-ness and guilt and pain are evident. Each word seems carefully chosen with no waste.

    I recently chose to be alone, and it is so new (boxes still unpacked) that I am basking in it. I cherish the quiet, the silence … although I do admit to moments when I feel exactly as you have described.

    Your image of the perfect bloom, alone except for the buds waiting to break forth in color, fits your poem nicely. Perhaps the buds bring companionship into your life?

  10. lily says:

    Mona! How nice to see you! I’m glad that you are well, basking in quiet and cherishing your time. Sometimes I am like that, and sometimes not. When not, I think it is because I was so lonely in my marriage and that was quite enough of loneliness. But all in good time, I am sure!

    Thank you for your poem and photo thoughts. I do prefer spare poetry. I like when it cuts to the quick, quickly. I’m sorry that I missed a couple of your posts. I am still catching up. Apparently.

    Thank you for stopping by, and of course I wish you peace, happiness, and love (eventually:) .
    ~ Lily

  11. janinevasta says:

    Dear Lily! Being alone….is it a fault, is it a punishment, a consequence, a choice maybe? A choice made when the being with someone was too painful, too hurtful. Weren’t you even more alone then? Now you’re just free. Isn’t that great? The possibilities….. xxx

    • lily says:

      Well, the answer seems to depend upon my mood, Janine. Free is good, lonely is not, but transitions can’t always be rushed even by the eager and hopeful : )

      How is Italy treating you?? Are you in heaven? I am wishing you a heavenly time, in any case, and I know that you are savouring beauty as only you can. Thank you for taking the time to look in on your woeful friends : ) but I don’t want you to waste a moment when the land of your heart beckons. Enjoy!

      ~ Lily

  12. Hi Lily. Somehow your posts weren’t coming to me, and I thought of you today, realizing I hadn’t written in some time, and see how much you have shared that I have missed. One of the most wonderful gifts you offer is your ability to make us feel. You evoke emotions in us that are already there within our beings, but you have this gentle and amazing way of sharing your stories through poetry and your writing that brings forth the deeper sides of us. Thank you for being you. Life is funny how it gives us what we ask for, but so often what we imagined the gift to be like is very different than the result we are living. And I’ve found that because this can be true, that that means something greater is in store for me, for us, it just takes time to get to that other place as long and wearisome as it may be at times. I just read this post after reading your most recent post and it is quite amazing how different you seem to feel. Blessings always, and I’ll try to find you more often, Erin

  13. Alone is a choice…and perhaps you needed that for a bit. The venting and ranting (for which you apologize too often) are acceptable…after all, it IS your blog and we still have ‘free’ speech.

    I see, however, that you continue to grow stronger, and for that I am very thankful!


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