Mourning becomes you…until you are called to dinner.Posted: May 26, 2012
Yesterday when I went walking, it seemed as if every dog walker in the neighborhood was out walking his or her dog; it was after work and a beautiful evening. Today all of the gardeners were out and that too made sense as it was such a gorgeous day. I greeted many front-yard gardeners and admired aquiligia, clematis, salvia, iris and dianthus blooms, and lots of lush and leafy greenery. I even saw a blue hosta.
Seeing all of the blooms was a happy and invigorating thing, so happy that I was able to stave off my feelings of sadness for no longer having my own garden to tend. Maybe someday.
I reflected on the past week and its lingering melancholy, which of course is normal, but also a sort of “grief creep” to which I hadn’t paid much attention until today on my walk. I hadn’t realized all of the things and people that I had been mourning this last week. No wonder I was in such inner turmoil.
It makes sense that the older we get, the more triggers we have collected that can take us right back to earlier times, emotionally. Like, one of the songs at the funeral was from my sister’s funeral, so that got me thinking of my sister and her death, too. It’s not like she is ever far from me and my thoughts, but I felt as though I mourned her all over again with the audio flashback to her funeral. Then, I somehow time-traveled to my father’s funeral, and then to his death and the death of my childhood and of family life as we knew it …
Sheesh. That’s a lot of deaths in one week.
And, I felt very solitary at the funeral. Everyone in my family had a spouse or significant other. I guess I mourned my marriage too, and then the relationship that followed it.
I think I can at least be gentle with myself for feeling so low. I can see how many sad things were bouncing around in my head, vying for sympathy. Today I walked and sorted things out a bit and breathed in the beauty of the spring flowers and the fresh air.
On the way home, I stopped at the market and got some fresh organic veggies. It makes me feel good to eat well. So that is next on the agenda, here at my place. If you lived closer, I’d invite you to dinner. That is a sure sign of feeling better, to be wanting company, isn’t it?