Decompression depression.


I went to a family funeral and I haven’t been able to write since returning. I always hold things together pretty well in public and try to be comforting of those I love, then in private I cry and feel lonesome and forlorn. Feeling inconsolable is appropriate when there is no one around to console me anyway.

Of course death is inevitable and a part of life, but it is still painful to have a loved one die.  It hurts to see those we love grieving. Moreover, I feel that the grim reaper is shaking his scythe at me: live, damn you, or else you’ll die without having lived.

So I feel I am implored to keep in better touch with my loved ones by talking with them more often and by visiting them even if they are far away, and to love, and to travel, and to learn all that I can learn. And, to do something … worthwhile. Something compelling and important.

All of these feelings are so overwhelming. My body feels tired and sad and lonely and anxious as my mind seems to be preparing for some sort of great adventure. It must be a way of staring down death, to be determined to really live.

But why are there not roadmaps?




11 Comments on “Decompression depression.”

  1. I’ve been dealing with an awful lot of loss in recent times, too. All I can do is fall back on my faith that my Higher Power will see me thru, in so many people’s absence. I’ve lost a lot of possessions recently, too, and being without family members, as well as being without the things I used to treasure has taken it’s toll. I even lost my ability to speak for awhile. I write. It keeps me sane.

  2. free penny press says:

    Lily I’m so sorry you are feeling lost and sad…My condolences to your family’s loss. Death is so unkind. If I can add I went the same emotions as you last year after My Mom passed and I too felt as if the earth was cracking, and it was. Making way for the old to move “over there” and the news to enter my life. Embrace the newness and allow (key word, allow) yourself to live 🙂
    Sending you a hug and a smile

  3. DM says:

    Lily, I forget who I say what to sometimes….if I’ve already mentioned it in any earlier post/ chalk it up to the fact I’m over 50 :-)…..but have you read Tuesday’s with Morrie? It might just scratch that existential itch you’re voicing here….It is probably the best “road map” I’ve read when it comes to these very questions….(It’s about an old college professor talking to a former student about important life issues even as the grim reaper is knocking on HIS door). thanks again for sharing your heart. DM

  4. Oh Lily, I send my hugs to you, and know that whatever it is that you search for and all that you feel or don’t, that I offer prayers for you, that the Angels are there to guard you and protect you, and that Divine Love washes over you in ways that you understand.
    Blessings always, Erin

  5. jazfagan says:

    Lily, I was wondering what happened. I am so very sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you….Peace, as always, your friend Jaz

  6. Death is so painful especially when it is a loved one. I am so sorry about your loss and your grief. The only roadmap I have ever found that gives comfort and leads the way to abundant living is in the bible. My prayer is that you will feel God wrap His loving arms around you during these difficult days.

  7. David says:

    Lilly…I’m so sorry for your loss, and glad to see you again…hope you and your family are holding up ok

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss Lily. Sending lots of love to you and your family. The darkness will pass ❤

  9. janinevasta says:

    Listen to your heart. Live. Living is all emotions. The painful ones and the brilliant ones. That’s how we know we’re alive. Follow the ones you want to feel more of. That’s our only road map…Love the shift in the photo. So much power and light and potential Lily.
    Roma sends her love…Jxx

  10. I understand this post only too well…
    My ninety-three year old grandmother is lying on her death bed as we speak. Because she is in America and I’m in Norway, I can not even rush to her side. I can only wait for the dreaded phone call. She lived a long, full and happy life (for the most part). Its her time and yet its so terribly sad…

    A big hug from me to you Lily.

  11. So sorry you’re feeling sad & down, Lily. If mere words could help I’d send you a bucket-full … very best wishes, Tom

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