Decompression depression.Posted: May 23, 2012
I went to a family funeral and I haven’t been able to write since returning. I always hold things together pretty well in public and try to be comforting of those I love, then in private I cry and feel lonesome and forlorn. Feeling inconsolable is appropriate when there is no one around to console me anyway.
Of course death is inevitable and a part of life, but it is still painful to have a loved one die. It hurts to see those we love grieving. Moreover, I feel that the grim reaper is shaking his scythe at me: live, damn you, or else you’ll die without having lived.
So I feel I am implored to keep in better touch with my loved ones by talking with them more often and by visiting them even if they are far away, and to love, and to travel, and to learn all that I can learn. And, to do something … worthwhile. Something compelling and important.
All of these feelings are so overwhelming. My body feels tired and sad and lonely and anxious as my mind seems to be preparing for some sort of great adventure. It must be a way of staring down death, to be determined to really live.
But why are there not roadmaps?