Layers, privacy, and souls.

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A lot of people use their blogs to work through the bad experiences of their lives. Writing is good for that. I suppose I have been working through my divorce. Online companionship is still companionship, and interesting and compelling reading can be found here as elsewhere. I do notice though that I resist getting too personal, and I don’t know if that is good or bad. People are multi-layered, and I certainly am. In everyday off-line life I have a happy face that I show to the world. I am happy by nature. But, there is a lot of “stuff”–bad stuff–that I don’t ever talk about. Still, it is part of my past, and our past dealings are part of our present makeup, assimilated into who we are. It is easy to empathize oftentimes, but when a hurt person can’t know how much we truly do understand, it can make our care or concern or our very words seem trite or like well-meaning pablum.

We can’t see all that is underneath a person’s poise or sunshine. We don’t see the storms that have passed through each life. It’s easy to think our problems are unique, but any person might have had similar, it’s difficult to know. Sometimes I want to reach through the computer and hug someone, and say, “It’s OK, it’ll be OK… I understand, I have been to a place near where you have been, I see your pain and I feel it.  I survived, and I have hope for the future, and for your future.” I feel that way so many times and for so many reasons, and I long to touch the hurting hearts of so many people here. We are all human, everybody hurts sometimes and sometimes we hurt in horrible searing ways. Yet, when I am true to myself, I don’t show my hurt much. I get past some and push the rest deep inside, and keep on. Some of us are quieter and more private than others, even online. Maybe healing is better when pain is talked about or maybe it is an individual thing, I don’t know. Maybe like some physical wounds, inner pain needs to be exposed–aired– to best heal, but that is not my way, or maybe I just have to do it gradually, layer by layer.

Most times my countenance is happy, and my soul is, too. I am happy to still be here, happy to have a future, happy and optimistic and hopeful.  In grateful contrast, I often want to skip or dance, though decorum usually keeps me in check.  (Yes, be thankful for that.) Sending computer words out to the universe passes the time or maybe helps to sort things out to the extent that we are able to summon the words and bare our souls. It helps us to feel connected, too, but for all of the words that are wrong or misunderstood or not enough when we all need so much love… I am sorry.

~ Lily

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16 Comments on “Layers, privacy, and souls.”

  1. free penny press says:

    I too am private..online and off.. I have been asked “How in the hell did you survive him? Mere mortals would have died”.. True.. I don’t discuss here or anywhere for that matter (except with 2 close friends) things I have endured. My pain is no worse than yours, or hers or his. I just choose not to dwell on it.. It’s hard sometimes to know when to embrace or keep a safe distance. So many hurting souls in the world, many here on WP, they just keep it hidden. I hope if someone I encounter here ever needs a soft shoulder, they know mine is available..
    Your honesty is refreshing Lily.. Keep dancing (hell with decorum) 🙂
    lynne

  2. jazfagan says:

    Lily,very well written and obviously oft thought of ideals in your post. Being a musician that appears in public can be an almost painful experience because the fact of the matter is I really don’t like talking to strangers. But, as with many things in life, it is a necessary evil in order for me to perform my art. Sometimes, though, it can be very hard to wear that happy facade….Peace Jaz

  3. DM says:

    Lily, I love your heart. DM

  4. irfriske says:

    Lily, Gradually, layer by layer, comfortably, easily, as you find your way to slowly heal. Allowing the first for what feels right for you, any way you choose, that allows you to be the wonderful, marvelous, caring, sharing, intuitve writer/person/mom/human who has touched so many with your attention to all the small minute details of your world. Easily putting on each page the very words others feel, just as yet have not learned how to so very artfully put them together! Congratulations for being just you! “.”

  5. A beautiful and touching post, Lily. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Its funny, I poured my heart out in my book and now I can’t do it anymore. There are so many things I’d like to blog about, but can’t bring myself to do it…
    And there are so many things I’d like to say when I comment on other blogs and don’t…
    Thanks for a post, that has really made me think….

  7. Try to look at pain/healing this way, Lily:

    Take a large onion (PAIN), then begin removing its layers. No matter how sweet the onion, there may still be tears. Continue removing the layers, slowly, while reminding yourself that with each layer’s removal, the pain is lessening. Eventually, you end up with one tiny inner piece, which you leave on the counter to dry to dust. Though it may take awhile, even the odor of pain dissipates.

    Some make require more than one onion….

    • lily says:

      Ah, no wonder I get so teary; it’s all of the onions! : )
      Thank you for empathizing always.
      I hope you are having a happy week,
      ~ Lily

  8. janinevasta says:

    There’s so much here Lily. Your words are enough. More than enough. They are ideas that change the way people feel and think and be. What more can a writer, a blogger ask for. Maybe that they create beauty. Well you do that too, in abundance, as I hope you know.
    Layers are so interesting. Some thinner, some thicker. I have become so much braver. Blogging suits me I think. But it takes time to feel ready… With love, Janine xxx

  9. Blogging suits me too, Lily, as a means of communicating with the outside world. I’d go bananas stuck in here without my tech.

    • lily says:

      Tech, and art. I can’t imagine a much more beautiful mode of communication than your art, Tom. You are colouring other people’s worlds, too. Thank you!
      Thank you as always for stopping by, too.
      ~ Lily

  10. johnstonmr says:

    I’m really private in real life with all but my closest friends, but online I’ve traditionally followed the Harlan Ellison “lay your viscera out for your readers” approach. On my WordPress blog, however, I’ve tried to stay “professional,” and I think it’s hampered my ability to post. If I don’t post who I am–the good, the bad, and the stupid–what am I doing? Nobody cares enough about my quest to finish a novel and get it published to come read, so if I’m not posting reality, I have nothing to post. So I’m looking at changing that, and holding back only the stupid memes and that kind of nonsense from the blog. That stuff can stay over at LiveJournal.


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