Layers, privacy, and souls.Posted: May 12, 2012
A lot of people use their blogs to work through the bad experiences of their lives. Writing is good for that. I suppose I have been working through my divorce. Online companionship is still companionship, and interesting and compelling reading can be found here as elsewhere. I do notice though that I resist getting too personal, and I don’t know if that is good or bad. People are multi-layered, and I certainly am. In everyday off-line life I have a happy face that I show to the world. I am happy by nature. But, there is a lot of “stuff”–bad stuff–that I don’t ever talk about. Still, it is part of my past, and our past dealings are part of our present makeup, assimilated into who we are. It is easy to empathize oftentimes, but when a hurt person can’t know how much we truly do understand, it can make our care or concern or our very words seem trite or like well-meaning pablum.
We can’t see all that is underneath a person’s poise or sunshine. We don’t see the storms that have passed through each life. It’s easy to think our problems are unique, but any person might have had similar, it’s difficult to know. Sometimes I want to reach through the computer and hug someone, and say, “It’s OK, it’ll be OK… I understand, I have been to a place near where you have been, I see your pain and I feel it. I survived, and I have hope for the future, and for your future.” I feel that way so many times and for so many reasons, and I long to touch the hurting hearts of so many people here. We are all human, everybody hurts sometimes and sometimes we hurt in horrible searing ways. Yet, when I am true to myself, I don’t show my hurt much. I get past some and push the rest deep inside, and keep on. Some of us are quieter and more private than others, even online. Maybe healing is better when pain is talked about or maybe it is an individual thing, I don’t know. Maybe like some physical wounds, inner pain needs to be exposed–aired– to best heal, but that is not my way, or maybe I just have to do it gradually, layer by layer.
Most times my countenance is happy, and my soul is, too. I am happy to still be here, happy to have a future, happy and optimistic and hopeful. In grateful contrast, I often want to skip or dance, though decorum usually keeps me in check. (Yes, be thankful for that.) Sending computer words out to the universe passes the time or maybe helps to sort things out to the extent that we are able to summon the words and bare our souls. It helps us to feel connected, too, but for all of the words that are wrong or misunderstood or not enough when we all need so much love… I am sorry.