Walk This Way…Posted: April 5, 2012
Do you do this, or is it just me?
Oftentimes when I walk, I find myself walking to the rhythm of a song or music. I don’t plan it, music just pops into my head. The songs or music reflect my mood, similar to how some of you put a song in your post that goes along with the topic du jour.
Sometimes one line plays over and over in my head, one appropriate line. Like, Steady As She Goes for instance. I must have needed steadying, that day. Or maybe I was proud to be feeling steady, who knows.
Today, post breakup, walking out there on my own, I found myself humming as I walked down the street, not even knowing what song. Da da da daaaa daa… and then eventually a line of lyrics came, and I very happily walked along to them:
Yes, I had to laugh, Don’t Make Me Over. That first line says it well: I just want to be accepted as I am, just as we all do. Even with all of the skeletons in the closet, I think I am OK. Sensitivities and quirks and all.
I can’t erase anything, can’t re-write or re-do, but I’m not dead yet and I have a lot of life left to live. It pains me more to read of other people’s heartaches and horrendous lives than of my own, and you know, I think it is because we have to live with our own tragedies and so one way or another such things became our stories, incorporated into our lives, for better or worse. It was the only life we had. We got through, and here we are.
All around me I see good kind people who have been through life’s battles, and I see that they have not only survived but are people of compassion, sensitivity, and strength. This isn’t the bequest of tragedy, but the gift of resilience of our beautiful souls to persist after tragedy, to crawl or stand up and maybe even eventually dance, however we manage it.
I felt shame for a long while. Maybe in some ways I still carry a little of that. There are some things I never talk about, some things I keep close. This is in part because I appear so “normal” (at least in real life) and it makes me happy that I am that way, not a simpering victim. I remember when I was a little girl and adults would whisper sometimes–oh poor little girl. Or, worse, when a boyfriend’s hoity mother thought my family background was too questionable: how would an engagement announcement read? So, you know, under-the-radar sometimes seemed easier.
Now I don’t wear anything on my sleeve, at least not outside of cyberspace. Yes, here there is some venting, I suppose. But, I think I have become more at ease with all of the pieces of my life. I have held them together at some times better than at others. Yes, I think about the past and carry around some lessons, some longings, some pain. When I look back, it is often with amazement, and tenderness: How did I take that? How did I cope? How did I survive? The same way we all do, however we muddle through, rise above, carry on, or just–as I usually did–put one foot in front of the other.
Looking back makes me grateful for all that I have now. Reflection makes me appreciate how far I have come and who I am.
Going forward into the unknown is scary, but thrilling, and sometimes I laugh to myself that the reason I live so simply is because I already have so much baggage. But hey– don’t make me over. Accept me as I am, a person with a past who has a future.
If you have any good walking songs, please forward to me.