Thus began my swift descent into adulthood (a series of snapshots on suicide) …

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I am alone in the kitchen. I stand with my forearms on the counter, watching the toaster. In he strides, will not meet my eyes. Where are you going? He does not reply. Can I go with you? He does not stop. The back door slams.

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I reach the curb as he drives away. I am the last to see him.

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I stand in the doorway surrounded by darkness and her sobs. I see her, folded and small, like a handkerchief discarded on the bauhaus couch…

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In the yellow kitchen they buzz like flies. I want to shoo them away. How dare they be here, before me who belongs? My stares startle them. They fidget in their dark suits, ice clinking in glasses, heads bowed.

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I stir Cheerios in a bowl of mostly milk. I feign nonchalance while the radio reports his death. No, they get it wrong. They say accidental. You can’t believe the news, you can’t believe anyone. I am young but some things I know.

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Upstairs, bedrooms with brothers and sisters, me in the hallway.  She, looking down, takes me by the shoulders: “You have to be my big girl. You have to be strong.”       Presto, magic, the child goes away. I become an adult this day.

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18 Comments on “Thus began my swift descent into adulthood (a series of snapshots on suicide) …”

  1. jeglatter says:

    Oh Lily, I felt right there with you. Keep writing.
    Love,
    Jennifer

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you so much Jennifer. That means a lot to me. You too, keep swimming! (What would we do without water? Tears, showers, rain, the sea where mermaids dwell…)
      Hope your week is happy! Love to you, too.
      ~ Lily

  2. jazfagan says:

    Lily, I don’t know if you caught my blog about my brother’s suicide so I thought I would share it with you. It’s at this link http://catseyesk.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/flight-of-the-thief/
    I can definitely relate to your post…thank you…Jaz

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you so much for sending that, Jaz. Made me so teary. I am so sorry that you lost your dear brother. Ugh, so hard, still, I’m sure. I can see where some of your sensitivity and strength come from, though. Bet your brother would be proud of you, all the cool things you are doing now! Sometimes I wonder if we have angels somewhere, orchestrating some of that serendipity!
      I have only been here 2 or 3 weeks, so I’ve a feeling I have missed reams of extraordinary posts and backstory about all of the wonderful people around here. Thanks for sharing,
      Peace, right?
      ~ Lily

      • jazfagan says:

        Thank you Lily…you are a great source of peace to my soul…Jaz

        • lily2u1 says:

          I’m…flustered by that, thank you for saying that. It is such a great compliment.
          The way you live fully is an inspiration and I am so grateful for that example. I guess we all try to bring our best selves to the table.
          ~ Lily

  3. kyllingsara says:

    I second Jaz’s comment. You are truly a source of peace, grace and love. You needn’t worry about bringing anything but yourself to the table, as it will always be your best self.

    Cyberhugs from Sara.

  4. janinevasta says:

    Such a strong piece Lily. Snapshots, yes. Amazing writing. You are amazing. J

  5. How sad. How beautiful.

  6. lily2u1 says:

    Thank you, Maggie.
    Thank you for touching my heart.
    Happiness and peace to you,
    ~ Lily

  7. free penny press says:

    People don’t realize we have the same soul at 6 as we do at 60.. when a child is forced to be “more than” it is forever a scar..
    head up Miss Lily, the sun is shining on you today!!

  8. lily2u1 says:

    Yes, we have always had our same souls. I’m sure you are right that I am scarred, but I don’t feel it, I feel a depth. For that I am grateful, though of course there are times I wish I could have rewritten some chapters of my life. The real challenge is writing the current one!
    Thank you for bringing your sunshine! I am always happy to see that, here!
    Perseverance and joy,
    ~ Lily

  9. Beautifully written, Lily…as I imagine the tears while you wrote.

  10. Lily, I read the comment by freepennypress which is so clear and accurate…”we have the same soul at 6 as we do at 60″…priceless.

    And thank you so much for sharing…be encouraged!

    • lily2u1 says:

      Yes, it was a wonderful thing to say about souls, I do believe that, too. You’re welcome, and thank you for stopping by. I hope all is well!
      ~ Lily


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