Driving myself crazy. (no, not really… well, at least probably not…)

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Life exists on so many levels, from superficial to deep. On the surface, I am dealing with the brainless day-to-day trivialities that we all deal with.  For instance, I had my car in to be serviced two weeks ago. I asked: Is there anything else it needs, while I am in here? Are you sure? Then, Saturday night, I (for reasons unknown) honed in on the corner of my front windshield and noticed that the inspection expires. Today.

I’m sure there is a reason why I couldn’t have had that done while I was last there, other than that I did not notice, and neither did the guy who was putting on new windshield wipers. I was spoiled the past two years when he said, “By the way, you are due for an inspection. We can do that while you are here.” Why do I not keep track of such things?

The thing is, I have to drive to another city to get it done. OK, technically I don’t have to. I could find a place closer to where I now live, but as I am rather car-illiterate, I trust this garage and have been going there for years. Do I want to take a chance at another? (I imagine: “We can pass  the inspection for you but you’ll need two new tires… and a carburetor, ma’am.”) Or do I spend four hours to go to a place I know and trust?

Hmmm, well, you already know the answer: I go with trust.

Beneath the surface, the larger and looming questions of life (*especially regarding relationships) are not so easily remedied. Or, maybe they are and I just have to let them evolve and calm. The tricky part is, my actions or inaction directs the course, and sometimes I just don’t know which choice is best.

Yes, I pray. I get choices. Which do I choose???

Sometimes I think: “I am sooo indecisive. Someone must be developing my decision-making skills by making me choose.  Either that or the petty instances of my little life are left to me, because Who could be bothered with all of this junk?”


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Implore.

.

How

is it an answer

to be given choices?

I can’t see which to choose.

Chances–

Do I give them?

Or do I take them?

Indecision cannot be a gift,

Can it?

Unless it is a way to bide time,

Cultivating confusion

Amidst the denseness of my mind

Wherein so much already flourishes:

Moss, soft fallen wood,

powdering rust to the touch,

gleaming stones

napping beneath

a trickle of childlike stream,

tender birch copses and

tangled roots,

Thickets,

Wherein birdsong

Lilting

forest leaves covered

in dew, every shade of green

Every shape of blade and leaf,

Gentleness

Might pervade if not for the

Wants and anxieties

Hiding amongst the bougainvillea.

Honestly,

I am verging on

Wisteria.

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The moon, and then the sun…

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Goodnight Moon,

I say to the sky.

I used to

read that to my children,

Look into their eyes,

their beautiful faces, their

days so full,

mine so full,

of them.

I ache a useless ache,

send it on its way:

any parent will know this

Longing

but wouldn’t

have it any other way.

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As much as I am content that I was the best parent that I could have been and that my children are successful and happy out in the world, I went to bed last night feeling a bit sad and very reflective. I miss my kiddos.  But, morning comes, and it is always a new day, a new start. I worked out–stretched, cardio, isometrics. That always helps me to feel better. I should be a runner again, for the endorphins, but women in my family tend to have knee and hip issues when they are older. Walking is gentler than running on my aging joints. Plus, you know how I like to stop and smell the roses along the way!

Upon waking, I had the thought of how grateful I am to be healthy, and beyond that, to have been given a long, lean, and graceful body. I’ve never really appreciated it in my life, never felt beautiful beyond the normal beauty that we all have as precious human beings. My husband thought I was “scrawny” not beautiful. As much as our bodies are the containers for our more important hearts and souls, and our inner beauty is what truly shines, we all have beautiful aspects of our outer selves, too. Eyes, smiles. Gleaming hair or luminous skin. Our inner beauty manifests itself in these outer gifts. It comes through in the ways in which we carry ourselves–with poise or confidence, or full of good-humored laughter, for instance. Our kindness shows in our soft glances and reassuring smiles. We are a whole package of beauty, after all.

Divorce awakened me to many things. I needed music, I needed motion, I needed to take care of myself–all of myself. My little breakfasts of grains-berries-nuts-yogurt feel like clean fuel for a vehicle I care about. The books I brought yesterday from the library will feed my mind. You–my fellow writers and observers of the world– give me food for thought, and laughter and beauty every day.

The day is grey outside, but not here in my heart. It is raining today, but water cleanses and sometimes rainbows come, and always flowers and new life.

Wishing you all a wonderful day!

~ Lily

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We see the same moon.

 

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Goodnight Moon,

I say to the sky.

I used to

read that to my children,

Look into their eyes,

their beautiful faces, their

days so full,

mine so full,

of them.

I ache a useless ache,

send it on its way:

any parent will know this

Longing

but wouldn’t

have it any other way.

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Short story poem.

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Tell me a story,

said she,

A story from your life.

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There is nothing to tell,

he replied.

I hadn’t lived

until I

met

You.

.

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Miscellanea.

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The woman with whom I work

thinks I am wealthy

which

is laughable,

but

denying only reinforces stealth,

shethinks.

.

The smoke alarm

wouldn’t turn off

and didn’t know why it was on

so I

threw it in the trunk of my car

where it blared

until I could find the proper

screwdriver.

I think that is a drink

that I need,

now that I am deaf.

.

I bought the best soil I could find.

Little black bugs

love it more than I do,

so all of my plants are vacationing

outside.

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I found a Writers’ Group

but they don’t write,

only talk.

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(The poem-of-the-day, if you missed it, is here: The Evolution of Sorrow, from me to you.)

The Evolution of Sorrow, from me to you.

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Eviscerated

raw

hollowed until

Only hurt remains;

Ache and want and loneliness,

These are the effects of

Life’s pains.

Deaths, remorse, guilt–

Why couldn’t i

Why couldn’t i

Save, stop, reach

Find

Salvation for another?

It is not something to be found on earth.

This I did not know

when I was so

Young.

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Depths

carved by pain,

erosion by tears,

searing so,

do I hang on, can I let go?

Numb,

and then

gentle thaw.

In the sunshine

drips the icicle

slow

slow

slow.

Dark caverns have left me

with room to grow.

.

Cleansed

of all but

essentials:

Sinewy strength,

Supreme gratitude.

The chasms fill

with contentment,

simple pleasures,

flashes of smiles.

Did you not know?

For all of the grief and sorrow

All of the pain and fear,

You have been given a gift:

This space

Where the soul flourishes

with grace

and stays true,

And the heart has room to grow

in its pure solitude.

Caches new and beautifully carved

Invite revelation,

Vision, compassion, perception,

to see outside yourself.

Wisdom

will walk with you,

as you belong:

Child of the universe,

Deeply and divinely human,

Full

of  Joy

and Love.

.

.

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First Aid.

.

.

let Beauty

fill the aching empty corners of your soul

and assuage the pains and longings

of your tender heart.

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