Spring Forward: A New TimePosted: March 30, 2012
As you know, for a long while I have vacillated between thinking I would be crazy to quash my newfound social life, and longing to do so for my own sanity.
Well, I’ve cancelled my fun weekend plans.
This is because I am sick (not immobilized, just still dragging). It is also because I have come to think that one of the reasons I am sick is because I dread rather than anticipate such plans. Perhaps my poor sick body is telling me things that my mind refused to fully realize or to act upon.
I did read that it is common to get sick after a divorce. That makes sense to me. After holding yourself together for so long, you are finally able to breathe. Suddenly you find yourself in a new place. It is scary and disorienting, even when one is thankful and looking forward.
Besides, we know that mothers (and any parents responsible for child care) aren’t allowed to be sick, almost never get sick. They can’t! Who would keep the ship from sinking, who would run the show? Who would care for everyone else? Psychologically, we don’t easily concede illness. Better to carry on, ignore any minor maladies.
When everyone else was sniffling and hacking earlier in the season, I did every homeopathic thing to stave off illness. It was, however, beyond foolish to kiss someone who had been sick when he still seemed sickish (to me, not he). So, yes I got what I deserved.
Is being wracked by cough good for the stomach muscles, by any chance? Just trying to look on the bright side.
True to form, I pretty much continued in mother mode and ignored my upper respiratory infection, but instead of taking its leave by sheepishly creeping away, it forced me to pay attention: it worsened.
I poured on the tea and TLC and continued on my merry way, in my mind. My body refused to follow. I couldn’t inhale without pain, I couldn’t sleep. I had no energy.
Months later, the congestion and coughing still linger. Earlier this week I seemed to be relapsing, no doubt abetted by all sorts of family, work, financial, and romantic dilemmas. It was as if all of those boxes were on top of my head, so heavy for my weakened frame to carry.
What to do?
Listen. Stop and listen to that little voice inside.
Pause and ponder the wisdom of my fellow wordpress writers.
Step back, chill, think, recuperate. Meditate. Nourish, rest. Pray.
Revel in the beauty that is all around us. Appreciate being a part of this beautiful, fascinating world.
Read. (Though reading several books, I moved this recommendation, in the comments, to the front of the queue.)
Listen to music. Exercise, walk.
I am usually happy, but now I feel less restless. I am “a piece of the continent, a part of the main”. At the same time I am loosed from the things that had been heavy on my mind, nagging at me, interrupting my peace.
It remains to be seen how lonely “loosed” will be.
For now I feel lightened, as in both unburdened and illuminated. I feel emotionally washed clean, so bright that it slightly hurts.
This morning I thought: you know, when we are so emptied of all that was in us, the advantage is that we can build from scratch, start anew.
It is springtime, after all.