Spring Forward: A New Time

.

As you know, for a long while I have vacillated between thinking I would be crazy to quash my newfound social life, and longing to do so for my own sanity.

Well, I’ve cancelled my fun weekend plans.

This is because I am sick (not immobilized, just still dragging). It is also because I have come to think that one of the reasons I am sick is because I dread rather than anticipate such plans. Perhaps my poor sick body is telling me things that my mind refused to fully realize or to act upon.

I did read that it is common to get sick after a divorce. That makes sense to me. After holding yourself together for so long, you are finally able to breathe. Suddenly you find yourself in a new place. It is scary and disorienting, even when one is thankful and looking forward.

Besides, we know that mothers (and any parents responsible for child care) aren’t allowed to be sick, almost never get sick. They can’t! Who would keep the ship from sinking, who would run the show? Who would care for everyone else? Psychologically, we don’t easily concede illness. Better to carry on, ignore any minor maladies.

When everyone else was sniffling and hacking earlier in the season, I did every homeopathic thing to stave off illness. It was, however, beyond foolish to kiss someone who had been sick when he still seemed sickish (to me, not he). So, yes I got what I deserved.

Is being wracked by cough good for the stomach muscles, by any chance? Just trying to look on the bright side.

True to form, I pretty much continued in mother mode and ignored my upper respiratory infection, but instead of taking its leave by sheepishly creeping away, it forced me to pay attention: it worsened.

I poured on the tea and TLC and continued on my merry way, in my mind. My body refused to follow. I couldn’t inhale without pain, I couldn’t sleep. I had no energy.

Months later, the congestion and coughing still linger. Earlier this week I seemed to be relapsing, no doubt abetted by all sorts of family, work, financial, and romantic dilemmas. It was as if all of those boxes were on top of my head, so heavy for my weakened frame to carry.

What to do?

Listen. Stop and listen to that little voice inside.

Pause and ponder the wisdom of my fellow wordpress writers.

Step back, chill, think, recuperate. Meditate. Nourish, rest. Pray.

Revel in the beauty that is all around us. Appreciate being a part of this beautiful, fascinating world.

Read. (Though reading several books, I moved this recommendation, in the comments, to the front of the queue.)

Listen to music. Exercise, walk.

I am usually happy, but now I feel less restless. I am “a piece of the continent, a part of the main”.  At the same time I am loosed from the things that had been heavy on my mind, nagging at me, interrupting my peace.

It remains to be seen how lonely “loosed” will be.

For now I feel lightened, as in both unburdened and illuminated.                                            I feel emotionally washed clean, so bright that it slightly hurts.

This morning I thought: you know, when we are so emptied of all that was in us, the advantage is that we can build from scratch, start anew.

It is springtime, after all.

Stay tuned.

.

.

Advertisements

13 Comments on “Spring Forward: A New Time”

  1. janinevasta says:

    Lily….again, compliments on being such an open book. It takes more courage than people know… You are knowingly juggling those contradictions. That you call it a fun weekend and then in the very next breath talk of the dread you usually feel at the very prospect…To me that says so much. And I recognise that push pull. But a long time ago I just started editing out the the things I didn’t want to do. The reunions (Heaven forbid!!) the class dinners with other parents from school, even family stuff. And everyone still talks to me. In fact I sometimes see a flash of envy in their eyes;-). ha! But that’s me and you are you. You’ll work it out. Give it time. But most of all listen to your heart and be brave. Jxx

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you so much, Janine.
      You are exactly right, it was the push/pull and the contradictions that made things so difficult. Some things I will truly miss and mourn, I did have fun, I did live very well in some ways.

      On the other hand, my spiritual side felt vacant, my mind and spirit weren’t meshed with another, the differences were many and significant, to me.

      At first I thought I was just too picky, and then I came to see that I wasn’t being true to myself. It was an awfully uncomfortable teeter–totter, and since I have just stepped off of it, it remains to be seen if I have made the right decision.

      I hope I will become as adept at editing as you. Thank you for your kindness!
      ~ Lily

  2. Mona says:

    Lily, it seems to me that you are doing exactly what you need to do. Without knowing you, it appears that you are mourning and your body is forcing you to slow down, rest, reflect, and allow yourself to grieve. REST and allow yourself to feel. AND, be kind to yourself. KIND.

    Although I am not Irish, I appreciate the Irish Blessings. I think this one might be appropriate for you:
    An Irish Prayer
    May God give you…
    For every storm, a rainbow,
    For every tear, a smile,
    For every care, a promise,
    And a blessing in each trial.
    For every problem life sends,
    A faithful friend to share,
    For every sigh, a sweet song,
    And an answer for each prayer.

    ~Mona

    • lily2u1 says:

      Oh Mona, that is so thoughtful, thank you.

      I think you are correct that I am mourning, and I am now mourning two things:
      the death of my marriage and then also of the first relationship that I had after that.
      Oh dear, I need prayers alright. What a lovely one you have sent; I’m sure it will help, so sweet and optimistic.

      You know what else helps? I think often of your red-door photo. I think of how the doorway is worn and weary, but beyond it there is sunlight, the green of new life, a scene and a place glimpsed but as yet unknown. I feel as though I’m getting… somewhere! At least, I’ve walked through some hard times and am hopeful about what is ahead.

      Happy weekend, with gratitude,
      ~ Lily

  3. I feel sad for you, because I’ve been to that place myself.
    Remember time heals all wounds…even the ones of the heart..

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you kindly for visiting and for taking the time to write, Maggie.
      Oh please don’t feel sad, I am not sad (at least overall!) but happy about the concept of second chances. You are right that I need to remember to give it time. I am not always patient enough, at least with myself.
      Have a wonderful weekend!
      ~ Lily

  4. Lily Girl, You remind me so much of myself. Obvious reality is only an inconvenience on my way to establishing world domination for a kinder, gentler (read: more humane) existence. lol

    Take some time, put your feet up, scratch where it itches, let the kids fend for themselves (they may actually like it), and get healed.

    Thank you for keeping us attuned to your world…we love being there.

    Be encouraged!

  5. irfriske says:

    You are doing such an excellent job at tuning into exactly what you need and then you are listening to yourself, trusting you really do know the answers to being 100% truly Lily! Bravo! 🙂

    • lily2u1 says:

      Oh good. It makes me feel good to know that I am progressing, and that you can see it.
      Thank you for your encouragement and cheers, Cat!
      ~ Lily

  6. StillValerie says:

    Lilly:

    I stumbled upon your blog and just loved reading your posts, You are so radiant and open in your writing. Thanks for sharing all that you do with all your readers!

    You are so right that our bodies are wise and have messages for us that our heads may often wish to ignore. For a wonderful healing affirmation from Louise Hay, check out this post; (http://thestillspot.wordpress.com/2011/03/02/cough-cough-hack-hack-what-did-you-say-body/)

    Blessings for an abundant life!

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you very much, Valerie. How kind of you. I appreciate your words, wishes, and the healing link. You’re right, affirmation feels good! I hope you will visit again.
      Be well and happy,
      ~ Lily


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s