Bye Bye Love?

.

One of my struggles of late has been whether to stay or to go from a relationship with someone who is a wonderful person, but increasingly hasn’t seemed like the right person for me, in a romantic relationship.

We all understand the distinction.  There are some friends you could never live with, some you’d never date, but you like them and have fun times,  you have good talks or meet on whatever common ground.

It is difficult to know how many little differences are too many. Am I not accepting enough? Maybe I am too picky.

Maybe it comes down to discerning whether our differences are the spices of life or are too many for comfort.

When I say good-bye, I may find no one better, in so many ways.  I may be lonely again. I may be lonely forever.  As much as I have learned to enjoy my own company at times, life is so much more fun when shared with someone special.

So, there is fear again, my old friend fear. If my children feared leaving boyfriends or girlfriends because they thought they would not find anyone better (for them), I’d scoff and tell them otherwise.  It is a big world out there, full of wonderful people.

But, having been in a long lonely marriage, it is scary for me to say good-bye to someone who has been the best company I have had in a long while, someone with whom I have had wonderful times. I don’t even want to say anything bad about him, I’d feel guilty, but here is an interlude, if you’d care to look over my shoulder:

.

After the Basketball Game.

.

I asked could we please not talk politics,

it never ends well and after such a stressful day…

but you talked politics on and on anyway,

driving without your car blinker, much to the distress of other drivers,

and I was oh so sea sick by the time we arrived, appetite devoid,

but at least you ran no red lights, this time.

You asked repeatedly would I like this or that,

Shrimp or ribs?

In all this time please tell me that you

have at least learned that I eat neither of those.

When I implored you to please just get what you wanted,

you asked me yet again, and finally I said,

“Several times (more than several times…)

I have suggested that you get whatever you would like,”

but Again you said you’d like to share.

Sigh.

I replied,

“you always have half of mine,

the half that I do not finish. Please…”

But undoubtedly I was tired and worried and

Should have perhaps done things your way.

I should have been more patient.

You rushed through dinner and hurried home

so that you could watch sports,

as you have done, in one way or another, our last three-weeks

of evenings together,

which, I must admit, is not necessarily too much,

just too much for me,

even though you did kindly inquire (as to my day and my family)

.

After you had watched the basketball game.

.

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22 Comments on “Bye Bye Love?”

  1. DM says:

    lots of little red flags were going off Lilly….”boundaries” …. I get the sense he does not respect your boundaries…and that is not a little issue. (continued to talk politics even when you point blank asked him not to..if you were my daughter and you opened to me about these things.. I would caution you…in the relationship I have w/ my mate…this stuff is not little stuff..boundaries, respect, sensitivity, self centeredness…
    Here are some questions that I would ask…do you feel honored, loved and cherished? Maybe he’s “friend” material, but I’m hearing you question whether or not he’s someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, married to.. Good luck and Keep me posted!~ DM

    • lily2u1 says:

      Oh thank you DM. You have said some of the same things as that little voice inside myself (or that “gut feeling”). I am never sure if I am just so darn idealistic that it makes me want more than I can ever realistically have.
      Happy weekend!
      ~ Lily

  2. He’s selfish doll. Terribly selfish. 😦

  3. irfriske says:

    Trust your gut, start deciding what Lilly truly wants, and expects in a relationship. Focus on what you desire, want, and would love having in your life. Trust that you truly know what it is is right for you. Settle for exactly that! Watch God/the Universe throw out the buffet of choices and keep saying yes to what you desire, just don’t put the other stuff on your plate! 🙂 Lots of awareness in your post of you talking to you over what you do desire!

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thanks, Cat. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, oftentimes, and can’t see what, if anything, is beyond. I should not be such a scardycat!

      I am never really alone, anyway. I should be more spiritual and less worldly in my desires. Companionship is a tough one, though.

      ~ Lily

  4. Bye Bye Love!! Holding on to something that does not feel right prevents you from being open for something wonderful to enter your life. There are many ways to find companionship ~ through family, friends, join organizations, volunteer ~ build and expand your inner cirle ~ companionship does not need to come from one person who is not fulfilling your needs.

    Never discount what you have experienced in life, use it as a life lesson and to strengthen your resolve to find “reasons to live happily”….it can absolutely be your reality. Happiness is choice we make ~ choose to put yourself and your happiness first. You deserve it!

    • lily2u1 says:

      Thank you, SKE. You’re right about not holding onto something that doesn’t feel right, and about companionship. I have companions. Not so many Romantic companions. But being a one-man woman, I couldn’t have any more, could I? (I debate with myself all the time. Sharpens my sparring skills.)

      Thank you for stopping by and chatting! Hope you are having a happy weekend.

      ~ Lily

  5. kyllingsara says:

    When standing on the outside looking in, it’s easy to dole out advice and tell someone what to do or not do. It’s just never that simple, that black or white, when standing on the inside looking out. As in “better the devil you know”. The unknown is scary. Familiarity feels safe, even when it’s really not. Most often it’s coincidences that propel us forward. Make us change our paths. That’s life. Simple, but oh so complicated.

    • lily2u1 says:

      “The unknown is scary. Familiarity feels safe…” Yes. You are also right that it is not so simple, partly because I couldn’t set down all of the details if I wrote even 24/7, and even if, no one would read them.
      Lately I feel very restless in some areas of my life while others are quite peaceful. The restlessness is begging me to move on, but how reliable is restlessness?
      I think, “if not for This, this and This, things would be good.” So how important are This, this, and This?

      I think I think too much.

      Thank you (sara?). Empathy is comforting.

      ~ Lily

  6. Trust yourself to make the choice. I can advise you only to KEEP GOING!

  7. Is the “?” there because you are torn over what action to take or because you are not sure if it is love? If the “?” is there because you are not sure if it is love, then it isn’t.

    The bottom line is I believe you will make the right decision…and I think you probably already know the answer.

    Be encouraged!

    • lily2u1 says:

      You’re right, I know what I have to do. But there is good in most everyone and in most relationships, so it is not easy to say good-bye to the good.
      Still, I guess we aim for the best or at least the best for us.
      Thank you, Stephen. Hope you and Susie are having a happy weekend.

      ~ Lily

  8. janinevasta says:

    Not special enough. Not by a long chalk Lily. In Italian we have a saying, “meglio sola che mal accompagnata”. Better alone than in poor company, or words to that effect! It’s one I live by. There are much worse things than being on your own.

    • lily2u1 says:

      Ciao, Janine! I probably should have listed good traits aside the less desirable; he has many wonderful qualities. Still, it is too much of an effort to convince myself and so much a study in contrasts that I feel as if I am on a see-saw. If only I could keep the wonderful and remake the rest– or does it sound as though I am looking for superhuman?
      All in all, you are likely correct that I’d be better alone, which is how I expected to be post-divorce anyway.
      Thank you for the Italian wisdom. Got any gelato? Lemon.

      ~ Lily

  9. Mona says:

    I read a description of a difficult dilemma … until I got to your poem. I thin you know what your decision is…no matter how difficult.

    • lily2u1 says:

      Well the poem doesn’t contain much of the good, which is probably unfair. But, at the time I wrote the poem (After the Basketball Game), that evening was what was fresh in my mind.

      If I could shoot the messengers, I’d likely have a photo of my kind readers smiling at me with the caption reading, “Girl, follow your Heart and your Mind.” I know. I know.

      Thanks, Mona. (love your red doorway photo today, by the way).

      ~ Lily

      • Mona says:

        Thank you for you compliment on my red doorway. It’s one of my favorites. YES, follow you heart and you mind. In my experience, though, sometimes it’s difficult to know. I wish you the best…AND in my experience, pay attention to the red flags and the uncomfortable feelings.

  10. lily2u1 says:

    Will do. I think one of my fears is that I may expect too much. My father was a perfectionist, so I try not to be too much that way, and sometimes to compensate I go to the Other extreme of not expecting enough! Ugh. As I’ve said, I myself am woefully imperfect. If my father could see me now…!
    Thank you, Mona!

    ~ Lily

  11. Sandy Sue says:

    Sometimes people are very thick, very caught up in their own heads and feelings. Sometimes it takes a sledge hammer to make a point. If you are being polite in your requests to stop talking politics, order for yourself, etc. then stop being polite. Halt the conversation. Demand attention. Make your point. Then, make it again if he starts up again. And again. Confrontation is uncomfortable, but leaving before you’ve done everything to work out the issues is an injustice to you both.

  12. lily2u1 says:

    Hello Sandy Sue, thank you for visiting! I hope that you are feeling fine; it must have felt wonderful to get out and just Drive this weekend!

    Yes, you’re right that I am not a very demanding person and should perhaps be more assertive.

    This is someone I am dating, so no marriage or vows (I should have made that clear), but we
    have been seeing each other for several months so maybe it would still be an injustice to not try my very best to work things out. After all, I do have my quirks and idiosyncrasies so it’s not like there will be lines around the block to date me, I don’t imagine.
    Or maybe I should imagine! What a nice thought to think of men, all with bouquets of flowers or ribboned boxes of roasted almonds, lined up in hopes of dating me… I must have read too many fairy tales in my youth!

    ~ Lily


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